America’s Next Top Model is Danielle. Not Joanie. My Joanie.

I’m so disappointed.

When I was 10 or 11, one of the neighborhood’s stray cats had a litter of stillborn kittens in our back yard. The mother was so weak she couldn’t even completely birth the final kitten; my dad had to remove the rest of it from her exhausted body. He placed all the dead kittens he could find in a garbage bag in our back yard. All of us cried our eyes out.

Later that evening, we heard a faint “Mew!” coming from the back yard. Had we missed a kitten somewhere? One that had survived? We got out flashlights and combed the yard, but the mewing was so faint and intermittent it made the search difficult. Finally, we realized the sound was coming from the garbage bag. One of the kittens hadn’t been dead! We pulled the tiny, brave, strong-willed survivor from its grave, made up a warm box for it, bought some kitten formula and a feeding tube, and nursed it. We were certain that it would pull through. But a few days later it finally gave up the ghost. And we all cried our eyes out again. Loss is always harder the second time.

In a way, this is how I feel about Joanie. I had given up on her; indeed, I previously predicted she would be the first to be eliminated. But through sheer force of will she persevered, she rallied, she soared! She fought her way out of the garbage bag into which I had carelessly tossed her. She won my heart, and I honestly thought she was going make it.

Ooooo, look. “American Idol” is on!

Tonight’s the night. The two-hour finale of “America’s Next Top Model.” Will Jade go postal and gun everyone down when she’s kicked off? Will Danielle learn to suppress her thick Southern accent and speak more like a white Midwesterner? Will Joanie make good on the show’s investment in her dental work and prevail?

More importantly, what will Amy and I do with our Wednesday nights?

All week, I’ve been excitedly awaiting the drama that is sure to take place on tonight’s “America’s Next Top Model” as the season winds down to its final two episodes (Go Joanie!). But in the real world (no, not the MTV reality show), some top models choose more dangerous ways to get publicity. From the New York Daily News:

Glamorous model Tatyana Simanava nearly became a tragic fashion victim yesterday - stepping off the runway of a moving bus and tumbling out the door onto the Gowanus Expressway…. She somehow got disoriented after stepping into a passageway outside the bathroom of the luxury bus.

In a shocking turn of events, the former front-runner, Nnenna, is now history. I mostly agree with Tyra and the judges that Nnenna started out strong and then really didn’t improve, but compared to Sara and Furonda, for example, Nnenna was a superstar!

At this point, with five girls left, the race is really down to Joanie and Danielle. Jade is consistently doing well, but her attitude and age will keep her out of the top spot. Danielle is more model-like than Joanie, but her thick Arkansas accent is a major drawback for her on the “spokesmodel” front (and, remember, the main prize is a $100,000 Cover Girl contract, and there’s lots of spokesmodelling to be done). Joanie is a solid performer with a likable personality, and I can see her going all the way unless she royally screws something up.

Oh, and it turns out, neither Amy nor I got the exotic foreign locale right — they went to Thailand.

The current cycle of “America’s Next Top Model” is in the home stretch; the original thirteen have been pared down to six after Brooke’s long-awaited departure last night. Here’s my take on the remaining “girls.”

Continue reading "ANTM: Half-way There" »

So, I was wrong about the first to go from ANTM, but I don’t feel too bad as I was just going by photos. After seeing them in action … man, there are some supremely unattractive women in this lot.

Continue reading "Bald Isn’t Beautiful" »

First, an apology for the prolonged silence (two days!). The Oscars took the wind out of my sails, and I’ve been extremely busy at work. If I get assigned to one more “task force,” I might just have to … uh, take someone to task for it. Or force the issue. See, I’m so brain-dead I can’t even be funny anymore (Audience: “What does he mean, ‘anymore’?”). But, I’m pretty well caught up now, so here am I with some nonsense again.

Excitement is coursing like electricity through Chez Steel today, not because former President Carter is speaking less than 200 yards from my office but because a new “cycle” of America’s Next Top Model starts tonight.

Amy and I watch two shows: Gilmore Girls and ANTM. What began as an ironically-detached activity sometime during ANTM Cycle 3 has become something we plan our week around. When Tyra and the girls aren’t on, we feel strangely empty, lonesome, and a little on edge. But starting tonight, that magic spark of excitement enters our lives again and we will begin to feel a renewed sense of purpose as we spend the next 13 weeks learning who will follow in the famous footsteps of Eva, Naima, and Nicole.

OK, so the ironic detachment is still there. But we like the show, and we’re not just a little ashamed to admit it.

I have to say, though, the current crop of gazelles doesn’t look all that inspired. Here’s my overview of the competitors and my pick for who’s packing her bads and going home tonight.

Continue reading "Fierce Competition!" »