Yesterday’s decision by the International Astronomical Union to strip Pluto of its planetary status left thousands of Plutoans angry, confused, and uncertain about their future.
“I feel disenfranchised,” said Pluto native Xbvghirfy who spoke to us from the farm where he works as a day-laborer. “I came here, to planet Earth, to find a job, provide for my family back on Pluto, and make interesting circular patterns in wheat fields. Now that my home is not even recognized as a planet, it will very difficult for me to bring my wife and children here to join me.”
Dr. Rufvb!ws, the leader of Pluto’s top scientific organization, says that Pluto’s solar system demotion will have a negative impact on its interstellar exploration projects. “It will be very difficult for us to get grants to continue our research into the Earth’s sparsely populated rural areas and trailer parks,” he reported. “Already, our anal probing devices are antiquated; we have no hope now of obtaining the money necessary to update them.”
Everyone agrees that life on Pluto is difficult, with its inhospitable atmosphere, no known water sources, average temperatures around -380 F, and stagnate economy based mostly on frozen methane mining. When Pluto was first spotted by astronomers from Earth in 1930, Plutoans geared up for a tourism boom, which never came to fruition. Since then, a steady stream of Plutoans have emigrated, mostly illegally, from their remote, barren home to the Earth.
The IAU defended its decision, citing Pluto’s oblong orbit, which overlaps with Neptune’s, and the former-planet’s small stature. Despite early objections by some, the IAU reports that this decision has the consensus support of Earth’s astronomers.
Other organizations expressed elation. Robert Brown of the Interplanetary Minuteman Society said: “This is a great day! Those dirty Plutoans do nothing but take jobs that should belong to citizens of the planet Earth. We can’t build a wall high enough to keep them out, so let’s see how they like living on an asteroid!”
The IAU’s decision will likely have ramifications in Earth’s science textbook and mnemonic device industries. Already, mnemonitians are at work on an alternative to the phrase “My Very Earnest Mother Just Served Us Nine Pickles.” Roy G. Biv of Every Good Boy Does Fine, Inc., says, “We’re thinking of keeping the first seven terms in place, but we are divided on whether the earnest mother will be serving Nutella, Nuts, or Nectarines.”
