Lost in Seattle

This weekend’s “Pacific Northwest” magazine, which comes bundled with the Seattle Times/P-I on Sundays, featured an essay by retired reporter Steve Johnston about a computer crash he recently suffered. He goes on and on about how he never learned much about computers except how to use them to write his articles, and describes his wacky, bumbling adventures getting a hard drive replaced.

“Suffered” is also the term one can use to describe my experience reading this article.

It’s not that I think everyone should become “computer experts.” It’s just that there is nothing quaint and charming anymore about declaring yourself to be “computer illiterate.” The “isn’t it so funny that I’m such a computer idiot” train has run its course. It’s a cliché. A tired, worn out, ragged one. Reading this essay was like listening to a comedian talk about how bad airplane food is or how wacky the differences between men and women are.

Ever since I entered the world of IT (later in my life than some) I have heard the same trite tale from people who think it’s amusing to be a befuddled Luddite. Let’s see how the elements of this tired genre map onto Mr. Johnston’s agonizingly old bromide.

1. “I only know how to do X on my computer; I don’t understand how it works inside. It’s like magic or something!”

I don’t have a clue how or why computers work. All I know is that I can type a column like this one on the computer’s screen and when it is finished, I go on “the Net” and, through pure magic, I send my words to The Seattle Times.

2. “Computer people use words and phrases that used to mean something else and I’m so confused.”

The other day my computer “crashed.”

By crashed, I don’t mean it was because I pulled some bonehead stunt like winding the computer wire around my leg and it “crashed” on the floor when I wandered away. That would have been the case if I had said I crashed something 10 years ago, but nowadays people know it means your computer stopped for some unexplainable reason.

3. “Something bad happened and I had to rely on a small child or teenager to help me out. Isn’t that hilarious?”

One of my children happened to wander by while I was fighting with the computer, and I asked him for help.

4. “Computer thingies become obsolete so quickly my tired old brain can hardly keep up.”

I wanted to say that something only two or three years old is not old, but I knew better. The reason Bill Gates and the rest of the computer bunch are so rich is because we have to replace their products every 600 days or so. Any other product that wears out in a couple years would be run out of town.

5. “Computer people don’t speak English; I can’t understand them.”

…by the way, they don’t speak English at these places; they speak “Computereze.”

This final point is what really did it for me. I haven’t heard the term “computereze” in, probably, 5 years (which is, like, forever in the computer world because, you know, things move so fast! Ha-ha-ha.)

I’m not saying that all of Mr. Johnston’s points aren’t true. Computer techs can get technical and jargon-y, just as anyone dealing with a technical problem can. Rapid obsolescence (or, to put it another way, “progress”) can be frustrating, even to professionals. And younger people do pick up on this stuff faster, generally because they aren’t mired down in thinking about how wry and witty it is to be all befuddled.

The real problem I had with this essay is that I’ve read it or heard it so many times. If this had been published in 1998, it would have been at least slightly amusing. As it stands, it is wholly unoriginal, offers absolutely nothing new, and makes me wonder why it ever got published.